this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2009
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AdamCohn 249 points250 points 3 months ago[-]

Hey guys, I know I am seeing a lot of back-and-forth on this topic, but I really need to push back and raise some red flags here. Some of these phrases are foundational to our ability to drive efficiencies in a corporate landscape. Sure, some are just boilerplate solutions, leveraged to the hilt and really only keeping us at a 30,000-foot-view of things. Others, however, really allow us to get better granularity, find better directional-indicators, or loop back and dive deep into some critical issues on a go-forward basis.

I think if you all start using more of these phrases, you'll find yourself trending toward the positive, but you'll have to keep an eye on the puck. Gut through it, reduce thrash, and let's stay in lock-step on this. Yes, we will synergize!

What's the root cause of the hatred of corporatespeak? I'll put my layman's hat on and guess that it comes from movies such as Office Space and Dilbert cartoons. But we all know that these phrases allow us to touch base in a much more efficient manner.

I have to time-box this comment, as I have a hard-stop in a moment when I will have to jump onto a call. So, just one more point that I want to cover-off on: let's socialize the idea of speaking with more corporatespeak and loop back to see whether we're being more impactful. From a management standpoint, I think that we can get the traction to do it.

So, net/net, ignore the naysayers, sidebar the folks that are stuck in the weeds, and don't waste cycles or bandwidth on folks that don't align strongly with this mission. Try it out, and we'll have another touch point in a little while to see if we've moved the needle.

If you need me, I will be online again in a bit.

-- sent from my iPhone

g00dETH3R 24 points25 points 3 months ago[-]

"-- sent from my iPhone" = Cherry on the top.

goishin 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

Sounds good.

...wait, what?

nottakenusernamedamn 289 points290 points 3 months ago[-]

"We're gonna..."

We're not doing shit; I am.

el_chupacupcake 61 points62 points 3 months ago[-]

I also used to love the monthly status reports, where your boss has his team assembled in front of his/her boss and says "this month, we ____"

Mean while, your boss was "working from home" most of the month as he just bought a new house and wanted to figure out how to install a flat-screen in his garage. And the month before his kid was sick "with a really nasty cough," so he was out 12 days out of a 3 week period.

...I don't miss working for someone else...

maxxspeed 31 points32 points 3 months ago[-]

The cover sheets for the TPS reports are the worst.

Endura 15 points16 points 3 months ago[-]

Sometimes I just don't do anything. 'You said we, so I thought you meant you.' Other times I'll make them say who is doing what. I do the latter when I'm feeling mature.

rhino369 116 points117 points 3 months ago[-]

You guys need to make this a game. I've been in the corporate world a year now, and I am making up new buzzwords to see the most ridiculous one that sticks.

I've actually gotten one the middle management guys to use "Reverse upside potential" to mean downside potential.

Others include

meta answer

stack prioritization - do the last thing assigned.

team of one

abstract metrics -basically me making shit up

And my personal favorite, meta metrics. I've got them keeping metrics about their metrics.

I figure they'll either fire me or make me CEO.

ddevil63 38 points39 points 3 months ago[-]

This makes me wonder if all managers are actually just trolls.

bluehawk_one 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

That's their job. It's serious and a proper job.

There are too many people asking too many questions and wanting too many bullshit things from the corporations. These people needed to be dealt with.

So they farmed themselves some good trolls.

[deleted] 27 points28 points 3 months ago[-]

or make me CEO.

And then fire you due to stack prioritization reversing your upside potential which is a meta answer to the issue of abstract and meta metrics.

rhino369 13 points14 points 3 months ago[-]

Worth it.

bludstone 111 points112 points 3 months ago[-]

Anything that has to do with "The Secret." Our corporate heads buy into that stuff 100%.

lexwhitfield 70 points71 points 3 months ago[-]

how the hell is your company keeping afloat!?

dashpot 144 points145 points 3 months ago[-]

sheer will

AHelplessKitten 96 points97 points 3 months ago[-]

"Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about blank." - Philip J. Fry

Czernina 55 points56 points 3 months ago[-]

Blank? BLANK? You're not looking at the big picture!

9966 9 points10 points 3 months ago[-]

Gutsy reply! You're a shark.

smpx 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

And sharks don't have necks! Necks are for sheep!

prodijy 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

Is this guy a Shark, or what?

Krishna987 15 points16 points 3 months ago[-]

"I'm gonna go shift some paradigms, revolutionize outside the box" - Nameless 80's Business guy

[deleted] 3 months ago[-]

[deleted]

[deleted] 170 points171 points 3 months ago[-]

A few years ago HR at my company sent out an email calling us "associates" and got quickly mocked for it. At the same time we'd decided it was politically incorrect to call the servers in the datacenter slaveXX, so we proposed renaming them to associateXX.

Grizlock 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

We had a guy file a union grievance and threaten to sue the company because the computer BIOS read 'Primary Slave' and 'Secondary Slave' when booting. I wish I was joking... He was later fired for sexual harassment.

TREQ_DRQS_MSG_PN 33 points34 points 3 months ago[-]

Now that's funny.

Cryogen_at_work 105 points106 points 3 months ago[-]

"We require more vespene gas."

TheDeadMethod 42 points43 points 3 months ago[-]

SPAWN MORE OVERLORDS.

urfaselol 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

MORE SUPPLY DEPOTS REQUIRED

comedydotcom 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

Jobs finished! Yessir?

Doctor_Watson 95 points96 points 3 months ago[-]

Sounds 4 percentage points better than "Slave"

miiiiiiiik 29 points30 points 3 months ago[-]

slave is 5 percent more accurate than "resource"

frugal1ty 67 points68 points 3 months ago[-]

Human capital

1000EnCarne 25 points26 points 3 months ago[-]

We're talents over here.

jmiday 31 points32 points 3 months ago[-]

Are you a stripper?

1000EnCarne 24 points25 points 3 months ago[-]

They don't pay me to do that, but I would if they did.

DayToDay 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

And going with this, "resource action" meaning "layoffs"

popeyoni 24 points25 points 3 months ago[-]

At a previous employer, they said that the people being laid off were "participating" in the reorganization.

Remember Joe? Yes, he participated.

DonutsCureCancer 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

Makes me fucking livid, that one.

gizmeallyehmonay 24 points25 points 3 months ago[-]

I agree.

Also, IT calling employees "customers" winds me up something awful.

elus 55 points56 points 3 months ago[-]

At least we're not calling you "idiots". At least not to your face.

Lukacia 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

My entire IT staff calls people customers. If you work for a third party IT firm I could see using the term clients, but since we are all in house I just call them users.

brock_lee 177 points178 points 3 months ago[-]

I was in a meeting once, maybe 8 years ago but I still remember it. One of the VP's (lord, there were so many) said "We need to maximize the leverage of our traction in the verticals to ensure continued competitiveness in all the silos."

hijklmno 131 points132 points 3 months ago[-]

I'm a little sad that not only does this make sense to me, but I agree with it.

lexwhitfield 115 points116 points 3 months ago[-]

please explain, is he referring to grain silos maybe or is he playing C&C Red Alert and needs more ore storage?

ccs29 45 points46 points 3 months ago[-]

Silos are different areas of the company that do not or can not interact with eachother. It is sort of a pejorative term to refer to when different functions of a company do not work together.

[deleted] 3 months ago* [-]

[deleted]

cdigioia 44 points45 points 3 months ago* [-]

One more step translated:

Make more money where things are going well. Also, make more money where things aren't going as well.

terronk 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

One more step:

I think we should make money.

ihaveideas 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

I like money. I can't believe you like money too! We should hang out.

brusselsguy 23 points24 points 3 months ago[-]

Chyndonax 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

I live in a farming community and understood this as well.

tizz66 [S] 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

Yes! Perfect example of the jibberish middle-management manage to string together. I sometimes wonder if even they know what they mean.

bravo145 33 points34 points 3 months ago[-]

They don't. Whenever I get pulled into the long management, lets listen to ourselves talk, meetings I play a game with a few of the other consultants. We each pick a made up catchphrase and see who can get one of the clients to repeat/reuse our phrase first during the meeting. My buddy won the last round with "we need to expand the box" instead of "thinking outside of the box".

iesu_mawr 253 points254 points 3 months ago[-]

Using 'Action' as a verb, as in: "By thinking outside the box, and actioning early, we can win-win with a new paradigm"

[deleted] 242 points243 points 3 months ago[-]

stab stab stab stab

TREQ_DRQS_MSG_PN 13 points14 points 3 months ago[-]

Stab preflop.

dclowd9901 36 points37 points 3 months ago[-]

On the subject of verbs, I can't, and I mean CANNOT STAND when people say "utilize." JUST SAY "USE," YOU FUCKING TWATS!

dsfargeg1 13 points14 points 3 months ago[-]

utilize

Amnesia 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

utilize

use

gipp 53 points54 points 3 months ago[-]

Similar, but to me even worse, is using 'leverage' as a verb. "We have to leverage our human capital to actualize our out-of-the-box paradigm shift."

catskul 14 points15 points 3 months ago[-]

At least "leverage" is accepted by every dictionary I can find as a verb. "Action" is not. There is also a legitimate alternative to using "action" as a verb:

"Act"

yammerant 23 points24 points 3 months ago[-]

Ahhhh! Where I work, the word "leverage" is generally overused:

"You should leverage any existing tools where we should be able to leverage you as a resource leveraging the leverage."

edit: also "mitigate" can go to hell

alband 30 points31 points 3 months ago[-]

In general, verbing seems to be a popular habit amongst management douche-bag types. I also really hate "incentivize", as in "we need to incentivize being a suit-wearing prick who has no useful skills".

arnedh 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

Ask "outside your box, or mine?"

lexwhitfield 12 points13 points 3 months ago[-]

i almost threw up reading that

weezerboy0586 16 points17 points 3 months ago[-]

That makes me wanna verb.

santo71 48 points49 points 3 months ago[-]

"looking forward" "forward thinking" "going forward"

Icanhazreddit 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

I once tried to count the number of times my supervisor said "going forward" at a dept meeting, I stopped after 5 minutes when I had hit a bakers dozen... it was too depressing.

grigri 37 points38 points 3 months ago[-]

To be fair, you are working on fixing the bugs in the latest French tanks...

2_of_8 13 points14 points 3 months ago[-]

<slow clap>

OurJason 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

We must go foreward, not backward, upward not downward, and always twirling, twirling!

KeNnY_TF2 47 points48 points 3 months ago[-]

"I need you to do B"

-"Do you want me to finish A which you told me to do 5 minutes ago?"

"No do B"

5 minutes later

"Why isn't A finished?"

dontal 12 points13 points 3 months ago[-]

and "C" has been sitting on his/her desk for 6weeks, due today and will be shoved at you in 5 minutes.

hammiesink 76 points77 points 3 months ago[-]

Calling employees "team members." Target does this. They REFUSE to say "employee." Hate, hate, HATE.

farnsworth 29 points30 points 3 months ago[-]

And there ain't no such thing as a customer... "guests".

whitelightbrown 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

Is "associate" not even buzzy enough anymore?

justanothernerd 76 points77 points 3 months ago[-]

"Thinking outside the box"

If everyone is thinking outside the box, then what the hell is the "box" in the first place?

molslaan 132 points133 points 3 months ago[-]

inside the box is your idea. Outside the box is your manager's idea.

[deleted] 23 points24 points 3 months ago[-]

If you want to mess with someone who says that, point out that one of the classic examples of "thinking outside the box" is to put the candle inside the box

mrwidget 103 points104 points 3 months ago[-]

Give 110%

Skip the buzzphrase and just tell me to do my best or make it the top priority.

drinkymouse 236 points237 points 3 months ago[-]

"Sure thing boss, just as soon as you pay me 110%."

sambalchuck 15 points16 points 3 months ago[-]

that got me fired once... i worked my ass off, boss's boss' boss was giving some bs motivational speech in my off time. Couldn't help myself.

youcanteatbullets 81 points82 points 3 months ago[-]

I always hated that. If you're giving more than 100%, it means you're not measuring capacity properly.

boiker 21 points22 points 3 months ago[-]

You are all very good ballplayers...

We are all very good ball players..

You will beat Shelbyville....

We will beat Shelbyville...

You will give 110%.

That's impossible, by definition that is. 100% is most anyone can give.

[deleted] 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

I don't know ... I view 100% as being the level of productivity you can sustain for an extended period. 110% would be a short term burst, working extra hours, etc. I guess it would be more proper to plan for 80% productivity, but that doesn't go over so well with management.

irelayer 14 points15 points 3 months ago[-]

I plan for 50% productivity and the other 50%...well I put it to good use making comments such as this.

sparkane 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

Their 100% is your 110% on their side, but on your side their 100% is your 80%. Where I work they found out and started asking for 137%. We have an actuary working on our response.

MidMuddle 156 points157 points 3 months ago[-]

"Low hanging fruit"

it reminds me of gay porn

eastliv 36 points37 points 3 months ago[-]

Goddamn you. Now that's all I'm ever going to think about when I hear that phrase. Shit..

halfstep 42 points43 points 3 months ago[-]

1) Using trends to describe things they have no clue about. Example: web 2.0, SOA, Cloud Computing

2) Describing my free time as bandwidth

bjb39 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

My project manager describes my free time as cycles and it drives me crazy.

Example: "Hey, when you have some free cycles can you look into that bug?"

It's like he equates developers with a CPU.

drunkie22 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

Lots of potential for witty retorts from females with that one... "Well this month's cycle is over, but I'll try to squeeze it in when the new one starts in a week."

And a from a more uptight female, sexual harassment suit!

beanpudd 234 points235 points 3 months ago[-]

"We know you've been stealing from the company, please remove all of your belongings and leave the premises in the next five minutes."

redditkid 97 points98 points 3 months ago[-]

Don't you hate that? And then they threaten to call security on you, like you're the bad guy!

Dinosaursoldier 27 points28 points 3 months ago[-]

"We need you to escort someone off the premises."

Hello, I have a name! It's on my freaking badge you dumb suit!

smpx 26 points27 points 3 months ago[-]

About that, we're going to need you to return the badge, it's company property.

rajma45 39 points40 points 3 months ago[-]

"You're fired"

thepizzlefry 97 points98 points 3 months ago[-]

Touch base.

"Lets touch base about the reports on Monday"

maxxspeed 59 points60 points 3 months ago[-]

I keep my base in my underwear, I hope that's OK?

234U 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

So, about those reports. Pat pat.

kindall 34 points35 points 3 months ago[-]

All our base?

zaqintosh 23 points24 points 3 months ago[-]

Actually I got so annoyed with the term "touch base" that for a period of time, if anyone at work finished a conversation with... "Sounds good, lets touch base next week on this issue". I'd quickly respond "Sure, I'll touch your base next week". Usually they would stare blankly and blink a few times... not sure they heard what they thought they heard, but inevitably assuming I said something normal :)

DOGA 35 points36 points 3 months ago[-]

Fire off an email

Shoot off an email

Blast off an email

...I just send emails.

radical_heartbeat 49 points50 points 3 months ago[-]

I ejaculate my emails. "Sure Bob, we can talk. Let me just splooge off this email quick."

BTSavage 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

I like this!

"Let me slice off a quick email." "Yep, I just rubbed out a quick email to Stacy on that subject"

indigoshift 69 points70 points 3 months ago[-]

I was an IT manager for an absolute shithole of a company, and it drove me nuts when they misused IT terms to justify Yet Another Animated Comic Sans-Impregnated Slideshow Meeting.

"Well, indigoshift, I was hoping we could interface at some point in the future so you can download the metrics I've prepared. Let's touch base tomorrow so we can move forward with this win-win situation."

I don't give a shit about your metrics. I'm too busy parenting your idiot employees who insist on re-downloading Smiley Central onto their desktop rigs.

Later, I was denied a raise because I "didn't sufficiently contribute to the culture of the company". My first mistake was laughing out loud at this nonsense.

My second mistake was printing out my job description and asking my supervisor (the fucking Business Manager, who was a shriveled old crone of a woman) where in my job description it said I needed to contribute to the culture of anything.

I spent that year saving up my vacation time. Took two weeks off for Christmas. The day I was supposed to return to work, I stopped in long enough to drop off my wiped-clean corporate laptop and to tell that embezzeling bitch I quit.

It felt good.

eastliv 49 points50 points 3 months ago[-]

Now you're thinking outside of the box. This sort of paradigm shift is exactly what you needed to keep you in a forward thinking state of mind. Now, if I could get you to go ahead and come in on Saaattturday, that would be greeeaat. Mmkay? Thanks a bunch, indigoshift.

indigoshift 19 points20 points 3 months ago[-]

If I ever have a dream about you fucking my wife while holding a coffee cup, I'm gonna track you down and kick your ass.

Just sayin'. ;)

ChrisDN 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

I've removed Comic Sans from every single one of our companies PCs + laptops due to very similar things.

sgamer 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

That's just Best Practice right there.

iStig 31 points32 points 3 months ago[-]

Not sure if this falls into the category of "management speak", but I hate excessive job titles.

iStig
Vice President of Synergy in Redditing via use of Network Solutions and Management
Co-Executive Team Leader, North America, Canadian Division

doomstork 28 points29 points 3 months ago[-]

You mean this sort of thing?

  • Transparency-Enhancement Facilitator (Window cleaner);
  • Highway Environmental Hygienist (Road sweeper);
  • Media Distribution Officer (Paperboy);
  • Education Centre Nourishment Consultant (School Lunch Server);
  • Petroleum Transfer Engineer (Gas Jockey);
  • Customer Experience Enhancement Consultant (Shop Assistant);
  • Coin Facilitation Engineer (Toll Booth Collector);
  • Gastronomical Hygiene Technician (Dishwasher);
  • Mortar Logistics Engineer (Labourer);
  • Field Nourishment Consultant (Waiter).

Yeah, I don't like that either.

mayonaze 27 points28 points 3 months ago[-]

The term, "Right sizing" in place of lay-off. But whats even worse is the little ubiquitous colloquialisms ie: Someones having a Monday!!! or better yet. TGIF!!! These come to you via the most patronizing, ass kissing cheerleaders in the office. I often pray for their fall. That is all...

iudex22 39 points40 points 3 months ago* [-]

"Team"

"Team Player"

"There's no 'I' in team" is the worst.

"You know what happens when we 'assume'...?"

DonutsCureCancer 172 points173 points 3 months ago[-]

"Theirs no 'I' in team"

"But there is a 'U' in cunt"

iudex22 48 points49 points 3 months ago[-]

That would almost be worth getting fired over.

rtwpsom2 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

But there is an "m" and an "e"

AnteChronos 61 points62 points 3 months ago[-]

"Theirs no 'I' in team"

There's also no 'I' in "there's".

clintmemo 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

"There's no 'I' in team"

But there are 3 in "multiple personality disorder"

PlunDar 16 points17 points 3 months ago[-]

A manager once told my wife "You know what happens when we 'assume'..?

She answered with "It makes you an ass."

She doesn't work any more.

kewidogg 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

"Theirs no 'I' in team" is the worst.

But there is an "I" in WIN, and VICTORY.

b0jangles 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

Thank you Michael Jordan.

cos 82 points83 points 3 months ago* [-]

It's broader than just management speak: I get annoyed when someone says (or writes) "utilize" where the word "use" would do.

hearforthepuns 16 points17 points 3 months ago[-]

My college Technical Writing teacher ranted about "utilize" for a good half hour. Ever since then I've cringed every time I hear "utilize" misused. Which is to say, almost every time it's used.

copo42 33 points34 points 3 months ago[-]

Which is to say, almost every time it's utilized.

There, that's better.

Walks off cliff

rickcain 23 points24 points 3 months ago[-]

The word: LEVERAGE

Shizzo 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

"According to the metrics"

"As we metriculate"

NiverRight 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

I dread hearing the word metric. That word just implies some mysterious & useless report used by upper management to judge performance that they don't have a clue about the actual workings of.

InsanityInversion 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

Flexibility. Meaning that someone fucked up and someone else is to bend over and open wide.

screechyd 32 points33 points 3 months ago[-]

"Our 'lawyers' have 'recommended' that we 'let you go' because of that 'incident' with the goat"

I hate that.

mrtron 29 points30 points 3 months ago[-]

What is on your plate?

dashpot 12 points13 points 3 months ago[-]

My measly lunch, bossman. Now fuck off and let me eat!

NotKumar 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

"Paradigm shift"

libcrypto 16 points17 points 3 months ago[-]

What, no mention of

  • deep dive
  • drill down

yet?

PercyBubba 16 points17 points 3 months ago* [-]

Talking about diversity. Specially when management talks about how we need to become more diverse. Without giving any guidance on what they mean.

I sat through a one hour diversity meeting with HR and came out with no usual information whatsoever other than it would be nice if we had a pot luck lunch where people brought food from their "home" country.

That meant that the third generation Philippino girl I worked with were supposed to cook something from the Philippines. Never mind the fact that she had never been to the Philippines, spoke the language or knew how to cook.

Edit: Grammar.

hearforthepuns 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

I utterly despise the verbing of nouns.

clintmemo 9 points10 points 3 months ago[-]

You should calenderize a meeting a bout that.

cccpNik 15 points16 points 3 months ago[-]

I can't recall exact phrases, but I hate when people don't say what they fucking mean and instead say something vague and expect you to know what they're talking about.

JesusWuta40oz 14 points15 points 3 months ago[-]

Some that I hear alot of and hate,

Face time

Break through the clutter

Mission Critical

Logistically

JeepChick 15 points16 points 3 months ago[-]

"Nice skirt"...nah, seriously, hearing "VALUE ADDED" drives me up the wall.

LifeIsGreen 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

We have Six-Sigma and Five-S. I guess they're originally japanese concepts for continuous process improvement and workplace organization.

DonutsCureCancer 32 points33 points 3 months ago[-]

Six-Sigma is actually originally a Motorola process. It's the idea of minimizing statistical deviations from the way something is supposed to be (e.g. manufacturing defects.) The 'six sigmas' bit comes from the idea of setting your specification limits -- for example, fault tolerance of something -- six standard deviations away from the mean value.

The thing that bugs me is that some of its elements make a frightening amount of sense -- including the steps that are used to analyze things that went wrong and to prevent the same shit happening in the future. What makes 6s so hilariously bad, though, is the absolutely idiotic level of attention paid to process steps and detailed elements of the strategy (without which, obviously, nothing will work and you'll be fired, so why didn't you pay $50k for a 6s Black Belt training course?)

We went over this and a bunch of other QA / process improvement strategies in b-school, and the general consensus was that most of them contain some interesting ideas and ways of thinking about a problem, but the moment you start religiously adhering to them, you're pretty well fucked.

rdeadman 11 points12 points 3 months ago[-]

ask -- as in "What was your ask in the meeting today?" An action item the team asked you to go investigate. First we turn nouns into verbs and now we turn verbs into nouns.

arnedh 18 points19 points 3 months ago[-]

Verbing nouns is old hat. Nouns into verbs - that's our current do.

myloprecarious 18 points19 points 3 months ago[-]

In meetings - taking it 'offline' with somebody. When does my life become offline just because i'm out of a fucking meeting?????

chase001 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

"at the end of the day" and "the bottom line is...".

feeboo 119 points120 points 3 months ago[-]

Synergy

ratbastid 38 points39 points 3 months ago[-]

Never badmouth synergy, Lemon.

gabe_ 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

It sounded contrived and dumb when I was in College... even worse once I was in the professional world.
Want to have fun in a meeting? Ask the ass-hat who uses the word "Synergy" to define EXACTLY what it means and how he/she are going to quantify it.

ReleeSquirrel 55 points56 points 3 months ago[-]

That's actually a word, you know? A lot of people think it's just made up, probably because of that old Dilbert cartoon. It refers to when a group produces better output than any individual in the group. Basically it means teamwork, and philosophically it means THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!

glenndo 47 points48 points 3 months ago[-]

I thought it meant you get a +2 to bluff checks when you have 5 ranks of diplomacy.

log1k 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

omfg.. I just let out a quick burst of laughter and farted at the same time.. in class.. Thanks.. lol

JayDogSqueezy 65 points66 points 3 months ago[-]

That's synergy, my friend.

keydemographic 17 points18 points 3 months ago[-]

Would you say you just chartled?

jmcqk6 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

Actually the definition of the word is the working of two or more things together to produce something greater than the individual parts. It's an excellent word and it drives me crazy that it's been used so poorly.

infernodox 18 points19 points 3 months ago[-]

simple definition of synergy: 1+1=3

cynoclast 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

Roughly, but sorta incomplete. Try:

1 + 1 = 2
1 && 1 = 3

wranse 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

I believe that the term was coined by Buckminster Fuller to describe the property of a metal alloy whose tensile strength exceeds not only the tensile strengths of any one component metal, but also the summed strength of all alloyed elements. At the very least it's the best, least MBA definition I know and the one I always think of.

jahhead 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

They all infuriate me, I don't think I can choose just one.

"We need to take it to the market" "I want blue-sky thinking on this / We need to think outside the box" "Solutionise/Incentivise" - not real words! "Going forward" - Is there any other way? "Synergy/Synergise" "Singing from the same hymn sheet" "Ducks in a row" ie We need to make sure we have all our ducks in a row on this one "It's all about" "I really need a good steer on this one" "Touch base" "At the sharp end/at the coal face/on the dancefloor" describing people who actually do work, rather than those who talk about it!

darkfate 45 points46 points 3 months ago[-]

Deliverables. I know it's a regular word, but I hate when someone says "You need to work on the deliverables." That's kind of like saying "You need to work on your work." So annoying.

happywaffle 19 points20 points 3 months ago[-]

I've grudgingly started accepting its usefulness. If I have a project, the deliverables are the actual, tangible portions that I need to produce.

logrus101 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

Solutioneering

justanothernerd 68 points69 points 3 months ago[-]

I think "young professional" is a stupid term. Enough of my undergrad friends that got random white collar jobs all of a sudden refer to themselves as "young professionals" with a degree of pride/smug. You have a job and you're young, that's all. Get over yourself.

redrock34 74 points75 points 3 months ago[-]

You must be an old nonprofessional.

justanothernerd 20 points21 points 3 months ago[-]

22 year-old, balding grad student, so close-enough.

sedaak 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

So by default the young has left you and your not professional yet?

ExAm 16 points17 points 3 months ago[-]

Vercingetorixxx 14 points15 points 3 months ago[-]

Young professionals ain't shit unless they're urban too.

Czernobog 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

God I hate those self-important young rural professionals.

GoodMorningLemmings 36 points37 points 3 months ago[-]

"It is what it is"..I'm hearing this more and more everywhere, and it's driving me crazy.

rhino369 43 points44 points 3 months ago[-]

I like "it is what it is". Its a polite way of saying stop fucking bitching about what you cannot change.

varaon 15 points16 points 3 months ago[-]

It's not bad, but it indicates a complete dismissal of concerns.

If you have a valid complaint, a more honest answer would be "That's a valid point, but I don't have the [time/money/authority] to change that right now."

daebat 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

our upper levels always say "we need to reach out to so and so..." and whenever somebody comments about another person in the office they "threw me under the bus".

DamienWind 9 points10 points 3 months ago[-]

Where I work, everything is "top priority." This pisses me off because no matter what I work on, everything else is also top priority, so my priorities are always wrong. Irritating.

neoform 9 points10 points 3 months ago[-]

> SELECT * FROM todo ORDER BY priority ASC;
+------+-----------+--------------------------+
| task | priority  | summary                  | 
+------+-----------+--------------------------+
|  1   |         1 | important work           |
|  2   |         1 | lunch                    |
|  3   |         1 | fart on boss's keyboard  |
|  4   |         1 | solitare for 45 minutes  |
|  5   |         1 | watercooler              |
|  6   |         1 | your top priority crap   |
+------+-----------+--------------------------+
6 rows in set

zhaoz 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

I hate when they disguise orders are "consensus building".

You arnt building anything but my contempt for you.

tmoraca 9 points10 points 3 months ago[-]

"this one's got a short leash"

no, bitch, an excel spreadsheet is not a terrier.

tomparker 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

Corporate world gets academic, pushes to refer to customers as "partners and associates."

Higher Ed world gets corporate, pushes to refer to partners and associates as "customers."

rufusiforget 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

LOL - I was considering making a thread on reddit with these workisms.

"action item"

"streamline"

I guarantee I will think of more by the end of the day today!

anonymousanimal 7 points8 points 3 months ago* [-]

Oh god. I'm currently getting an MBA. They might as well rename the degree Master's in Buzzword Arrangement. Here's my favorites:

  • Value-based corporate culture
  • A "red ocean/blue ocean" market
  • Controllability
  • Information system acronyms: DSS, MIS, ESS, GDSS, TMS, WMS, TPS, OLAP, KPI, CNS
  • Deliverables
  • Synergy
  • Satisficing
  • Anything about The Goal
  • Gaping holes/crying needs
  • Referring to people as "resources" or "assets"
  • Ideation
  • Strategic fit
  • Product Innovation Charter
  • Lean principles
  • Enabling people (motivate is a much more meaningful word)
  • Core competency
  • Human capital/People equity
  • Cross-functional teams
  • Fostering a culture of innovation

My biggest beef is with all the charts I see in class that don't mean anything. There's a chart for just about every process, idea, and product a company makes, and very little of them make any sense. The Porter Value Chain and the Cooper New Product Development method are shining examples. They're usually charts with increasing numbers of boxes and arrows as the chart goes from top to bottom, left to right. Every time I see one of these, I sarcastically think "Oh yeah! NOW I get it! The arrows and the colors and the sans-serif fonts make it so much clearer!" Not.

And if I hear one more goddamn thing about the iPhone, I'm going to choke a bitch.

Johnny_Guitar 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

When employees here are laid off, management says, "They are free to pursue other options."

orangepotion 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

Cash is king.

But don't ask for a raise!

PissinChicken 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

It isn't a phrase so much as a style. I hate, hate the manager who is my friend. Who as he is cutting my pay, making me take unpaid leave etc he is saying, man I understand it sucks, but I'm not making these decisions. Sure you probably aren't but you as my manager need to accept that you represent these decisions. Say sorry, but don't expect me to be chipper towards you.

captainregular 14 points15 points 3 months ago[-]

Pretty much everything surrounding "professionalism," and a "professional image."

she_pull 22 points23 points 3 months ago[-]

You say that now, but wait until you work in an 'unprofessional' environment. I once had to deal with a coworker who cried constantly about EVERYTHING, another guy who jerked off under his desk to cell phone pictures, and at another place, a guy who refused to wear anything but sandals and socks to a meeting with a potential client.

pi_over_three 18 points19 points 3 months ago[-]

This sounds like an environment I could excel in..

charlesesl 9 points10 points 3 months ago[-]

Word.

noblestabbings 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

powerpoint.

dabombnl 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

The word utilize. I'm all like, "no, you are thinking of the word use but wanted to sound more intelligent." Utilize is for using something other than its intended use. You can utilize a stapler as a doorstop, but cannot utilize it for stapling.

maxxspeed 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

I know this isn't management speak but I get sick of phone calls that start with "Can I ask you a question?" (I want to play it out like this:) ME: that's one. Them: What's one? Me: That's two. Them: What are you talking about? Me: That's three. Them: I just want to ask you a question. ME: Just one? Them: One what? Me: That's four.

jayknow05 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

PowerPoint...

int0x13 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

It's not management speak, but org charts drive me fucking crazy. There's been hundreds of hours where I work devoted to "re-orging" and manipulating that stupid fucking thing that have zero, or negative impact on productivity.

nick717 7 points8 points 3 months ago[-]

One does not speak "to" the slides. One speaks TO the audience ABOUT the slides.

I HATE that!

PercyBubba 8 points9 points 3 months ago[-]

Also, putting everything they are going to say on their slides. Speaker notes, handouts and slides are NOT THE SAME THING!

albom 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

One of Unicorp's corporate objectives is to develop strategic relationships with key customers and be recognized for our ability to deliver services of superior value. This competitive advantage will be achieved through continued focus on our core competencies, management attention to the development of operations and process management excellence in all parts of our business, the identification and application of best processes, and continued attention to direct and indirect cost management. The focus on core competencies will promote the concentration of knowledge in select areas consistent with the tenets of Unicorp's strategic plan, Unicorp 2000. Management's attention to operations and process management excellence in all business areas will be achieved through the continued expansion of our management and technical staff, as well as through consistent application of corporate quality programs such as benchmarking and continuous improvement, leading to the establishment of Unicorp's superior business processes in each core competency. Finally, continued attention to direct and indirect cost management will enable Unicorp to offer customers a superior, value-added package of high-quality service at a competitive price.

everythingsucks 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

  • business potential
  • synergy
  • leveraging
  • quick-wins
  • opportunities (esp. when used instead of 'problem').

gabe_ 6 points7 points 3 months ago[-]

opportunities (esp. when used instead of 'problem').

Issues... always issues, never problems.

stasome 10 points11 points 3 months ago[-]

Wearing different hats.