I'm going into surgery in 8 hours, and I'm gonna feel like crap. Can you leave me a joke so I can chuckle when I get back?

joinertek

I used to work for B.E.T.

till I got axed

to leave

PanFlute

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Happy surgery!

wooly_bully

What has two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a cat.

ChrisF79

What's the worst part about going to the bathroom in the shower? Stomping it down the drain with your foot.

caviar

One of my favorite jokes is a list of newspaper headlines, all of which supposedly were actually printed in newspapers (but I'm not going to bother verifying). Here it goes:

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

aar0nm

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

aksupra7

In truth, laughing might make the muscles on your face convulse, causing more pain than pleasure. That being said I'll leave you with a Good Luck! and I hope everything goes smoothly for ya :)

zulavos

A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum "Granny's got a prawn!" The mother says "What on earth do you mean?" The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa. He points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn!" His mother whispers "That's your grandmother's clitoris son!" To which the little boy replies...."Well it tastes like a prawn!".....

squirrelyMAPLE

What did the snail say when it jumped on the turtles back? WEEEEEEEEEE!

ducki

What's black and white and red all over?

: a menstruating zebra

Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead

wolfsktaag

so this three legged dog pops open the doors to the saloon. he steps inside, then stops to slowly survey the room. everyone turns to look at this mysterious new stranger. slowly and purposefully, the dog saunters over to the bar. he reaches into his pocket, and in one smooth motion pulls out a coin and slaps it on the bar. he looks the bartender dead in the eye and says "im lookin for my paw"

rodserling

If you tell them about the aichmophobia beforehand, they might be able to give you some benzodiazepines to help calm you. I'm not entirely sure about this, though.

zulavos

A bulldog and a tortoise are walking together. Bulldog: (in poncy english accent) "Do you find that when it rains your lower lip fills with water?" Tortoise: "No"

filthymcbastard

Little Billy was looking for his dad one day. Billy was going through the house, looking in the rooms, and he passed by his mom and dad's bedroom. He looks in and sees, and much to his horror, his mother bent over the bed, and his dad behind her, thrusting wildly into her backside; dripping with sweat and grunting like an animal. After a few moments, Billy's dad notices that little Billy is standing in the doorway, a look of bewilderment upon his young face. Dad grins at little Billy, slams the door shut, and finishes up with mom.

Once good ol' dad gets his pants back on, he thinks "maybe I should go have a talk with the boy." So, dad sets off in search of little Billy. As dad is walking down the hallway, he glances in the guest room. And in there, he see's HIS mom, bent over the bed, with little Billy behind her, giving Grandma a railing she won't soon forget. Billy sees his dad standing there, looks him in the eye, and says to him "It ain't so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"

jv2k

Whats black and white and red all over?

A baby in a blender with chocolate sauce.

Calitude

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss

blocparty

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patti.

M_K_Shyamalan

While you may believe that a simple cyst has been removed, the reality is that cyst never existed. The surgery was a mere means to your reawakening to the true reality of your existence, a ghost wanderer among the living.

PETEPANTHER

A lesbian walked into a music store and bought an organ. So she could play a hymn.

1917777

You might die.

zulavos

One from my daughter: Q: What's pink and wobbly and hangs out your underpants? A: Your granny.

collin_ph

Congrats! you live through it!

Oh yeah, for the joke..

Obamacare!

anonymousgangster

it doesn't really matter because you're going to die.

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